Outrageous little ****ard! (Monkey Butler, Clive)

Greetings otherworlders and Lily Allen (bitch!). I've an update on my oh-so-normal life, which has been tragically ruined by my Monkey Butler, Clive. I've known Clive 6 months now, since we found him eating paint in a bin, he gave us a knowing look and offered us a lick... we took him home, cleaned him with Crisp and Dry... he loved it. Anyways, the little ****er has just bitten me, when I was feeding him a pop tart... he grabbed our telly, and legged it through the window. I don't know if I'm upset or angry.

Monkey Butlers are rare, and once you've trained them to bring tea, biscuits and Anasol, they're priceless. I would have caged him, but when I gave him a box to sleep in he totally flipped and swallowed my keys. We had to wait 3 days on the front lawn until the droppings came out (when I was shouting at him for humming a Lulu song).

As he drove off in my Fiance's car, I felt a pang of sorrow over the rage, and I put the riffle down. Perhaps he'd come back, maybe when he's kicked the smack and windowlicking. He was a remarkable little bugger, and any animal that can whistle whiles urinating into a neighbours letterbox is okay by me. Clive, if you're reading this, come home.

Celebrity PM, "Who runs the country? YOU decide!"

After the surprise implosion of Prime Minister Gordon Brown's scrotum-like face (and death by Megadeth), the MPs (all on summer holiday) vote to decide on a successor, however because politics is completely fecked up by rich twits and expenses for rent boys and heroin, ITV buy the rights to Parliament, and thus the bastard child of British Politics is hatched...

4 WEEKS UNTIL CELEBRITY PM FINAL:

Cheggers does a party political naked in a jungle, which is actually in Riverside Studios. When asked how he'll stabilise the economy and ensure bailed out banks can't give bonuses, he cracks up and cries - it's 5 minutes of car crash telly which even 16 "wayhays" can't fix. Cheggers sulks out of the running.Ant & Dec are believed to be looking into the rules of joint-PMship, apparently it's not really allowed, however, if Dec marries Ant, they can both have a big say in the running of the country...Cilla makes a plea on Sky News that her experience on Blind Date could bring peace to the Middle East.

3 WEEKS UNTIL CELEBRITY PM FINAL:

Lily Allen's criticism of fellow celebrities seems to make her an early front runner, given that many televotes come from the Chav populations and inner city slums. Huge disappointment - Rolf Harris is ineligible, due to being Australian, there are riots in Henley, calmed only by Wobble Board and pepper spray.Ant and Dec will not be marrying, and have parted to run separately for PM. however in their respective TV interviews, both have been heavily hampered by pausing for the other to speak...

2 WEEKS UNTIL CELEBRITY PM FINAL:

Lulu rules herself out. I say she rules herself out, actually she was really up for it, but it seems someone hired a tank, and shot her outside Morrisons in Glasgow. It is later decided that a national day of mourning would be "completely unnecessary".It is announced outside Ormskirk police station that discarded land-slug Kerry Katona is too idle to run for election much to the disbelief of 2 passing strangers. Other celebrities unsurprisingly out of the running include Gary Coleman (of hit 80s show Diff'rent Strokes), Gaz Top, Matt Bianco and Tony Hart, who is of course, dead.

1 WEEK UNITIL CELEBRITY PM FINAL:

The late application of Rusty Lee is rejected by ITV. The withdrawal of Ant and Dec frees them up for the ITV2 follow-up shows and a lucrative contract... they patch up their differences and announce Dec is pregnant with Ant's baby. Fearne Cotton is voted out due to being a tit, her eviction show (on ITV4) features he 'best bits' - falling out of a taxi, pointing at an empty ballot box, and eating a yogurt.

CELEBRITY PM FINAL:

We have 3 finalists and Davina McCall speaks live to the house (of Commons). "House of Commons, this is Davina, you are live on ITV, please do not swear... ...Brian (Blessed), Jeremy (Clarkson), Stephen (Fry)... the votes have been counted and verified, and I can now reveal, the Celebrity Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is......BRIAN BLESSED!...huge cheers fill the country, Blessed's eyes fill with emotion as he is congratulated by his rivals and he steps to the bench to claim his place in British history... but he falls, lands awkwardly, the big man is stunned, he looks up... "GORDON'S ALIVE".
(I apologise for this piece of 'work')

THE COD WAR

Perched upon a radiator, my buttocks thaw,

The cold North Atlantic,

it’s time for a War,

Dispute of land or a spat about God?

Not this time Olaf - this one is about cod.

The Iceland patrol came to cut our fishing nets,

We’d all got wasted and taken our bets,

How long till Mental Kenny (who had become quite a wreck)

Would throw chairs, swear and moon them from our top deck,

The hours pass and my special place thaws,

Though the smell of fish is like one thousand whores,

The stench wrecks my brain, I’m smothered by doom,

With eleven horny Fishermen crammed into one room.

GIANT EGG

She was the girl with the pot on her head,He was a dog we tortured down in the shed,Herm-murni-ee-fah-fah-fah-tara-McFred,I left him my crème egg... *pause*

I want a big egg, I need to be fed,But wait here's the dog bowl its on Dad's head,But what of the shed pooch, could the f***er be dead?Dead with a small Egg... *pause*

Where is Crowthorne Mrs Gilhooly,I wanna beat those kids that are so unruley,Unzip and customise vintage cars with my tooly,Lets build a giant egg... *pause*

I'm eating mince and peas on a spring Tuesday,Mocked by the dead dog but I think that’s he's gay,Try to dress him in Mum's clothes and sell him on e-Bay,Lets build a giant egg... *pause*

The unwelcome news is that the dog was sold for 50p,This pithy amount wont by me a Ginsters slice for my tea,The stench of his deadness isn’t covered by my own wee,Lets find that giant egg...

Giant Egg with Windows and Doors,Unstable and illegally breaking building laws,Packed to the rafters with fishy old whores,This is my giant Egg

CATS IN SPACE

People said he was f***ing mad,Perhaps took the advice off his senile old Dad,Fifty Billion Dollars George Bush spent,Up to Mars the Pussycats went.

Twenty Meows through the stratosphere,Such a crew of plenty, but none that could steer,The weightlessness made scrapping fun,But an Air Lock malfunction meant 5 Cats were gone.

NASA employees all promised sports cars,Should they land a Cat filled craft safely on Mars,Begun to look worried with faces filled with fear,Blind panic, then silence - no landing gear.

Plummeting at Mars at a pant-filling rate,These foil-clad Cats were to learn their fate,But a flash of white light brings our heroes our way,It’s the Chimps from future to save the day,

“Ever since the humans and George Bush’s birth,We set our sights on revolution to inherit the Earth,It was actually quite easy - poison you see,We added Bolofackoputaine to KFC”.

They clawed at the strangers, teared at their hair,Made a mess of the cockpit with Go-Cat everywhere,No tin opener on board has lead to these sins,The poor bastards couldn’t open their Kitty Cat tins.

The Cats in Space didn’t understand,The Future’s Chimps pegged it with no time to land,The explosion seen from Texas left ‘Dubya’ in awe,And left a crater the size of the fat bloke in G4.